Dominique [00:00:00]:
I am so obsessed with opening up those conversations of where behaviour comes from, why we need to support it and it's why I'm such a big advocate for the ADHD space, because I see such a need for empowering teachers to understand the way any child's brain works and that they're all different and that we as the teacher need to implement accommodations and support and understanding and connection.
Sharon Collon [00:00:28]:
Welcome to the ADHD Families Podcast. I'm your host, Sharon Collin, an award winning credentialed ADHD coach and consultant and mama and wife to a very ADHD family. I am seriously obsessed with making life easier for people with ADHD and those that support them. My business, the Functional Family, provides life changing support and strategies for adhd. I particularly love anything that saves time, decreases conflict and creates space for fun. Do you want a life with your beautiful, wonderful family that is more functional, fun and full of joy? Let's explore together the wonderful and sometimes wacky world of family life with ADHD in the mix. Welcome Dominique. It is so exciting to have you here today.
Dominique [00:01:20]:
Thank you, Sharon. I'm excited to be here, Very excited.
Sharon Collon [00:01:23]:
So please tell our beautiful listeners today a little bit about you and what you do.
Dominique [00:01:30]:
So I have quite an extensive background which has led me to where I am. So I think the most important part to start at is what led me here initially and that was that I was not someone who found the school system easy. I pretended like it was. I did all the right things, I was a very good student. However, I just felt like the messaging that I constantly got was that I was never reaching my potential. I was more a social butterfly than an academic. And so over the years I never realized fully how much that gave me some negative messaging that I thought, okay, I don't need to worry about the HSC because I'm not clever enough or I'm not smart enough. But what I didn't understand at the time was that my brain was quite different.
Dominique [00:02:18]:
And so I left school with this really difficult space in my heart of where to next. And I remember having to go to a breakfast morning tea with all of the students from my school and it was a very academic school and most of my friends I got in the high 90s and I said to my dad, how do I turn up? I don't want to tell them what I got. And he said, you don't have to. He said, you go there and you be proud of who you are. And I did. And I made a decision that day to never, ever use the mark that I got in my HSC to get where I was today and that's when I decided that teaching was my path. Because at no time did any teacher actually help me move through that process of being someone that had a way of talking, had a way of communicating what I understood, but could never ever put it down on paper. It was not the right environment.
Dominique [00:03:11]:
And I thought no child should feel like that. I don't want a child to feel like that because the teacher is the person that makes them feel like they can be anyone or do anything. So that started my journey on teaching. So I didn't use my HSC. I went as a mature age student at 21 and I worked damn hard. I worked really, really hard because I realized my brain has to work really hard to absorb content, not knowing at the time that I was still undiagnosed. And so I did my teaching degree and many comments from my friends at high school were, oh, you're doing really well. Oh you're quite smart.
Dominique [00:03:49]:
So again, that messaging still continued to me that I wasn't necessarily, you know, achieving the way that the system needed me to achieve. And I got into teaching and boy did I love being in that space. I just being in a classroom and just watching a child that struggles and then a child that can feel seen and heard and then try really hard and, and learn new skills or learn new content or become a good friend because of how you implemented that change and that learning was just so rewarding. It was never for the money, it was never for the accolades. It was for that moment. But over the years I obviously got fairly frustrated with the system and how much teachers are expected to do and the overload and the burnout. And I had children of my own in that process. So I had four children over the period of my teaching career and went back and forth.
Dominique [00:04:48]:
I always wanted to be a principal, I always wanted to run a school and have huge impact on those learning goals and the teacher's well being. But I just started to realize that I couldn't be the mum I wanted to be and the teacher that the system needed me to be. So I tried to juggle both. And as I had my own children and dealt with my own traumas and triggers and emotional rollercoasters that parenting brings, I realized that there was a real gap in kids understanding big feelings and the way they showed up. And so many children I worked with felt that their emotions were not normal, their big feelings were not normal, and that they needed more help and parents did too. When I started Realizing, hang on, there's no resource that really normalizes this. So that's when I decided, above all else to jump in and become an author and create a picture book series, which I did whilst having thirds, which were twins. So I'm.
Dominique [00:05:45]:
I'm a higher achiever, but at the same time, I juggle a late diagnosis, which I have myself, of adhd. My children also have adhd, which is why I got my diagnosis. So it's led me now into this field of educational consulting, where I'm working with schools on understanding behavior. I am so obsessed with opening up those conversations of where behavior comes from, why we need to support it, and it's why I'm such a big advocate for the ADHD space, because I see such a need for empowering teachers to understand the way any child's brain works and that they're all different and that we as the teacher need to implement accommodations and support and understanding and connection. And when we don't have that, those behaviors and those connections increase, break down, and that's where we see more problems. So that's it in a snapshot.
Sharon Collon [00:06:43]:
Love that so much. And I love a big supporter of your books, but also of the work that you're doing in this space. So I know that you're a passionate advocate for adhd, and I know that the people that are listening to this podcast, the beautiful humans that are listening, are usually parents of kids with adhd, and they're navigating the school system, Right. And they're sending their kids to school. And, you know, with varying degrees of success, we might be getting a bit of negative feedback, we might be getting some communication from the school. And I was hoping that this episode might be one that our parents can listen to and send to their classroom teacher to give them some practical strategies on how to support ADHD in the classroom. Because it's been my experience the teachers are actually crying out for these strategies, but no one's actually being able to give them the practical tools. So I'd love to delve into that, if it's okay with you.
Sharon Collon [00:07:39]:
So tell us about your experience being a teacher in the classroom and what the limitations are, and also some things that we can do to support our beautiful ADHD kids. And that is a stacked question. Sorry, I will go back to.
Dominique [00:07:53]:
That's a huge question. So I'll try and touch on a couple of things. Number one is I think it's really important, first of all, to address that every facility is different. Every. Even if it's a public system, Every system is different. Within each public school, you have different levels of support, you have different goals. You know, you've got a principal that leads a school that may be very different to someone like from, say I'm in Sydney, but you know, from southern Sydney to northern Sydney, you might have two families that go, no, we don't have that at our school. And I think that that's really to keep in mind because I think in the ADHD community, conversation about this is really empowering.
Dominique [00:08:36]:
But if we neglect to understand that each facility is different and we've got to work with, the facility that we're in can create issues as well. Because I may even speak to you and say, oh, you've got this at your school. And going gung ho to the school and say, hang on, you're not doing this. And straight away create a disconnection with the school. And I think that's a big thing that teachers find too is that frustration of I'm working within the system that I've got and although I don't know everything, help me learn, help me understand, help me work with this. So I think understanding that relationship and working with the facility is very, very important because there's some things that they're going to do that are fantastic and there's some things that they're going to do that you're not going to think is great. But walking in there and saying, this is what I need, I need to advocate for my child. You're only going to break that connection with the school.
Dominique [00:09:28]:
And so this is what sometimes teachers find if they are overwhel and then they have parents who are also expecting so much from them. We don't want them to go put their hands up and go too hard basket because that benefits nobody. So I think that's something to keep in mind. I think as teachers, if I was going to first of all say to the teachers what is something that they can do? They have got this overwhelm. They're burnt out, they've got so much noise coming from executives and what they need to do to be compliant for their own job. But also they've got these families and then they look, look at this child. I think it's really important just to take one step back and for the teachers to understand what their priorities are in the classroom. I think that we're in a space and time where the overwhelm is so huge that if teachers don't understand that their overwhelm and their ability to regulate that and understand that as they walk in that door.
Dominique [00:10:30]:
If they can't do that, they are also adding heat to the situation. Because understanding the ADHD brain, you have to understand that they sit in a space of overwhelm and dysregulation so much of the time. And I think what I would love teachers to know is that parents working with ADHD children are all at such a different space in their journey. They may not know their adhd, they may not, or they may be just diagnosed. And there's some grief in that space and some overwhelm of where do I go to next? Help me, please. There's parents that are so educated, that are part of your community, that know so much, have so much access to skills and want the teacher to know it all now. And the teacher goes, hang on, that's great, but I also need to catch up. There's some teachers that do know a lot about ADHD and are great to work with, but the bottom line is that we also need to support the teacher's ability to connect with the child.
Dominique [00:11:32]:
And that does come from that relationship between the parent and the teacher. So we really need the parents to make sure that that's there, but also that the teacher needs to understand that this parent is going to be overloaded at times, they are going to be burnt out, they are going to expect more from us, but that may be coming from a space that they're drowning. And if we can remember that as teachers and come from some compassion, we don't always need to fix the problem. Right now. We often think with adhd, the child, we've got to fix this behavior. No, no, no. We need to move into a space of we're not fixing. This isn't about fixing.
Dominique [00:12:11]:
We need to move into a space of understanding where behavior is coming from, knowing what that behaviour led, like how that got there, knowing what it is that I can contribute to in the situation at the moment and what it is that I need to go, oh, that's a me problem as a teacher, that child, they don't know. I'm overwhelmed because I've got this due this afternoon at a parent meeting now and we've got to get through this work and I've got assessments that I've got to tick off. Yes, we have all of those things that we need to do, but do we remember that that child walked in and there was a massive meltdown before they came into school because their hat was lost and they can't walk into that school with a hat lost and their system's already dysregulated. And then poor Andrew turns up and says, where's your hat? And then all of a sudden we have a meltdown and then they have to walk into the classroom. So I really am starting to understand that what teachers need so much is an in the moment approach and a long term approach. And so if I want to give strategies, my first is understand behavior. Empower yourself to understand behavior. Understand where it comes from.
Dominique [00:13:21]:
Know that it is not the child choosing to behave like that. It is a response to the way that their brain is managing the external stimuli, the internal stimuli, things that have happened in the morning, the workload that they have sitting there, that they go, my brain is overloaded. I can't even start there. So knowing that they are coming in like that, it shifts the pressure from the teacher, it shifts. We can then go, okay, I don't need to fix this right now. I don't need to actually go, okay, I've got it all done. And if we actually connect with a parent like that, I can tell you and I can ask you this, Sharon, you know, your community. If a teacher said to a parent, thanks so much for telling me that.
Dominique [00:14:10]:
I really was working on a strategy to support that. But knowing that they're really struggling with that before they even get to school. Look, I think that, that your child maybe just needs some compass when they first come into school and some connection. I can guarantee that most of your community would go, yes, please. Thank you. That would be great. Because what ADHD parent doesn't want their child to be seen as they walk in and nurtured for where they're at? And I can tell you that the learning will come naturally because they're building a connection of safety. They're building that space where the child feels seen and valued, heard, understood.
Dominique [00:14:50]:
And I can sit here in this short podcast and throw a million strategies at you, but I can tell you above all else, this child just needs to feel seen. So 90% of your strategies are going to be in the moment. 90% of them are going to be, I see they're struggling. What can I do right now? And that can be very, very simple. And I'll give you an example because I think it's important for a teacher to understand. Okay, great. Dom, this is really good. You're saying an in the moment strategy, but I have this child melting down and I have a whole classroom that I need to finish this work.
Dominique [00:15:26]:
I can tell you if you don't address that child in that moment, you can forget the plan that you've you've spent hours on, it's not happening. Because that behavior, if we don't really go in and support that nervous system, it's going to intensify in duration, in severity and in long term implications because that will become a learned behavior because they'll get the attention for that in the wrong way. But they don't care because they are saying, I need attention, my needs are not being met. And so then we see why is this behavior getting worse and worse? Well, because we're not looking at the roots, we're not looking at where it's coming from. We're just addressing that behavior on the surface and we're not really nurturing the fact that their nervous system is completely dysregulated. So the example would be something like this. I had a session yesterday at a beautiful school in Sydney and it was an author visit with my books and I do some activities with them. And you know, the teachers often say, oh, we've got a few kids in here that might struggle to focus.
Dominique [00:16:30]:
That's okay, that's fine. So I noticed straight off, because I'm hyper sensitive to those kids and I noticed straight off there was two boys sitting straight next to each other that were really excited, overstimulated. Their nervous systems were like, I want to answer every question. But it was really difficult to manage the session because they were like calling out and moving in their seats. And so I merely saw some paddle pop sticks sitting over on the side. So I just went and grabbed the paddle pop sticks and I went over and put five on each of their seat. And very quickly and quietly I said to them, hey boys, do you know, I really think that you can probably keep those paddle pop sticks. But here's the deal.
Dominique [00:17:09]:
To keep these paddle pop sticks, you just need to try not to call out when you get every thought in your head and you try to put your hand up when you want to and I'll do my best to see you. That's all you have to do to keep your paddle pop sticks. But you might lose some. But that's okay, you can get them back. And so I left them there. It took me all of a minute and the other kids sat there. Can I tell you in the next five minutes, I took a paddle pop stick, I put some back, but I first put them back and we engaged in this. I did it very quickly, very slowly.
Dominique [00:17:45]:
But these boys, they were like, I'm keeping those paddle pop sticks, I'm going to keep them. I want. They had no reward. There was no reward for the paddle pop sticks. We often think as teachers that we need to have these amazing sticker charts and these amazing rewards and things. But what we forget is their internal drive to show up and to feel seen is so powerful and so strong. And then by the end of that five minutes, I went and went, oh my goodness, look at you boys with your paddle pop sticks. Wow.
Dominique [00:18:17]:
You've kept them that hot. Their chest puffed up. They were like, yes, she saw me. She knew I was trying. That's it. So simple. Now that was something I thought about on the fly. Yes, you need experience to see those things.
Dominique [00:18:32]:
But sometimes we think that we need these wonderful programs and wonderful amazing strategies. Those are long term strategies. We do need those and we definitely need them to be able to achieve some long term goals. But we just have to remember that in the short term, it doesn't need to be complex, it doesn't need to be huge. It needs to come from a focus of what does that child need right now? Well, those boys, they wanted my attention because they were so excited I was there. So I gave it to them. But I still put in some boundaries. I still kept a firm approach to it.
Dominique [00:19:08]:
I still kept them accountable for their behavior, but I still made them feel special because that, that connection was what made them want to do it. So I. Yes, does that so much now.
Sharon Collon [00:19:21]:
You said so much gold in there. Now what I have noticed through talking to lots of parents and lots of teachers is that we get stuck on the behavior. And you did touch on this there. We get stuck on what we want to extinguish, right? This happens. They call out in class, they don't put their hand up. We get stuck on that without looking what's underneath that. How can we really encourage. Because in the moment when you're.
Sharon Collon [00:19:48]:
I can only imagine being a teacher in front of that class and I know that you've got this experience. That's why I want to delve into this question. You've got all the kids looking at you and all of them have varying degrees of, you know, like every kid struggles with something, right? You're sitting there looking at all, all the kids in front of you. How can you delve into what's underneath the behaviors? Like what's some, What's a good way to remind yourself to do that or a good trick to switch to that?
Dominique [00:20:17]:
So I want to preface that just with two things. And I think firstly is that I know that there's going to be many parents listening and many teachers from the site Parents going to get as much from this answer as what teachers are, because it's the same approach that I use at home, that I use in the classroom when we. First of all, number one, I'd like to say children are more compassionate, understanding and accepting than often many adults are. So when you're in a classroom environment, I can guarantee, because I have been in a space where I have mentored teachers over many years as part of my role in my educational facility when I was there. But what we have to remember is that often the children don't want these intense behaviours ongoing. They don't like the conflict, they don't like the constant disruption. They can sense the distress in the teacher, they can feel it in the classroom. They don't like the noise that it creates.
Dominique [00:21:15]:
So if they can see that a teacher is using a compassionate approach to dealing with an intense behaviour, they will give space for that. They will be tolerant. They're more tolerant than we think they would be. So if they can see that there's five minutes being addressed with this big behavior in that moment, I can guarantee you that they will be calm and patient. We often think that in that classroom setting. I can't take this few minutes out because we've got to get this lesson done. Okay, we may not tick every single thing off the off the list that we need to, but I have to remind teachers that a lesson plan is just that, a lesson plan. It is not a lesson must.
Dominique [00:21:58]:
We have to understand that there are going to be times with these students that we will not tick everything off because when we look at this child, we need to address this because it is going to impact that lesson in a massive way. Now, some parents might sit there and go, but what about my child that's sitting there and that's not getting that learning? What I can say to you is this time put into connecting and building relationships within the classroom is going to get paid back tenfold because, yes, the teacher has to be a little bit smarter in. Okay, how can I structure this to ensure that these students are still getting the exposure to the content, but that I'm still supporting the relationships and connections? So that leads me into my next part. When I say to you, let's look beneath the behaviour. If we keep choosing to just look at the behaviour, we are not going to develop any change because behaviour is merely communication for a need that the child has. So when we actually move and shift that lens, we can start to see that we're not scared of the behaviour because the behaviour comes when we're not nurturing those roots. The more we nurture the roots, the more we nurture that connection and relationship. The behaviours will naturally minimise because the student feels safe, they feel protected and their overwhelm will reduce.
Dominique [00:23:25]:
And then that helps the parents because when the children come out of the classroom in the afternoon, they're not as ready to just blow a gasket because they haven't had to hold it in so much because the teacher just doesn't see or understand them. So what I want to say to teachers is this. A child with ADHD, we know that they are often 18 months behind in executive functioning and capacity than a neurotypical child. Now why I think this is so important is there's a lot of work that we've seen come through. If teachers are wanting to empower them, I would direct them to Dr. Russell Barclay's work, who he often makes teachers understand the ADHD brain. Because what we have to know as teachers is we are working with a brain and nervous system that we are not changing, we are not fixing. That is the way that their brain is.
Dominique [00:24:19]:
So if we look at what he says is, he says there is a 30% reduced capacity in executive functioning skills. Now executive functioning skills are all of those prefrontal cortex skills that a student needs to attack any task, any, anything that they do in life, right? So if they are 30% reduced, let's say we have a class of 10 year olds, right? So we're teaching a classroom of 10 year olds, but we have four students in there that we know are diagnosed with ADHD. So it's a 30% reduction. We're actually educating a seven year old. Now if you think about that as a teacher, listening or even a parent, because you have the same problems going on at home. Our executive functioning skills are planning, time management, impulse control, self regulation. You think about here, I'm giving this child a task to do. I've told them all the instructions, I've set them at their work, but now they're grabbing pencils from this person and throwing things over and wobbling on their seat and scratching up the paper that they've got in front of them.
Dominique [00:25:26]:
Well, because if we look back at that 30% reduction, our expectations set up here, their capacity is here. What sits in here is a zone of frustration. So when a child who is ADHD sits in that zone of frustration, there's a lot of shame that comes in there, there's a lot of self worth issues that come up. The child is going to simply Procrastinate or avoid what they need to do. Because if we continue to just go, oh, why haven't you started your work? You know, why haven't get started. More shame. More, more procrastination. So what we have to go is, okay, if they're working at a 7 year old brain, I've just told them 10 instructions.
Dominique [00:26:04]:
I know half of the 10 year olds here are doing it, but maybe I need to break this down a little bit. Maybe I need to go, have they got their pencil, their rubber and everything set up ready to go? Well, because that's planning an organization, right? So often with an ADHD child, I will have a little box there and make sure that they have all of their equipment before they even start. So there's so many things that we can unpack in that space. But if the teacher can actually just understand that that's the way their brain works, if they've got a 30% reduction and we just harp on the, what we see, the behavior we're seeing and not look underneath at going, oh, but I'm not supporting their ability to show up, then I'm going to get increased behaviors. That's the surface level. They're throwing a pencil across the room because they don't even remember step one. There was so much noise in the instructions after, after those instructions that it's gone out the window. They heard a bird or a plane fly over and they were thinking, oh, I wonder where that plane's going.
Dominique [00:27:09]:
Is it going to America or oh, I'd like to go to America. Oh, my mum was talking. There goes the ADHD brain. They've forgotten. Step one was to write their name on a worksheet. So it's about implementing support structures to understand that if we keep just looking at that behavior and not understanding the brain and looking beneath for what we need to support because then we'll continue to see more intensified behaviors. And sometimes that can be as simple as compassion and connection. I can see you're really struggling to start.
Dominique [00:27:42]:
Do you need some help? I can't do it right now because I'm getting everybody else. But how about we just get our piece of paper and our pen out and write our name and I'm going to check back on you. A simple support, a simple way for them to go, oh, it's all I need to do. I just need to do that. The overload's gone because there's no more expectation on them. So we're supporting those roots, we're supporting that connection with them. They're not feeling all of those toxic things that come up for that child and they go, oh, I can do that, I can achieve. Because what we need to remember is Ross Greene's work.
Dominique [00:28:18]:
Children that do that feel that they can will. But if they don't feel they can then they're not going to do it. They're going to step away because they don't, they don't want to fail. And we have so many ADHD children that are so intelligent, that have so much capacity and potential like I did in high school, that just don't feel like why should I do it? It's not, it's not going to be valued because it's only going to be a scribbled name on the page like everybody else is. They will look around, they know everybody else is doing all of that work, you know, they know that they can't catch up, they know they don't have the capacity. So it's far better for them to get in trouble and be sit in time out, which is sometimes a strategy. Oh great, I'll sit in time out and I can just look around the room and annoy Peter over there and have a great old time. But what we don't do is we don't support the child and we will see increase in behaviour.
Sharon Collon [00:29:10]:
Oh, you said there's so much amazing stuff in there. Really. I want to talk about teacher triggers now. Right. Because we know that the connection piece is so important, even from a personal story. We had a teacher that told me in front of my son, he's the hardest to manage in the class, us. And I said, oh, you're going to have the hardest year to rebuild that. Right.
Dominique [00:29:34]:
Because, because my heart hurts. Oh, I know you as a parent.
Sharon Collon [00:29:38]:
Little head child, tongue down and Right. And she didn't mean it like she was, it was just an off the cuff comment. But I knew that that relationship had been severed and we were going to have to work really hard to come back at it. And then we've got, you know, another experience where the teacher's like, he's just so amazing. I can see that he's struggling but you know, like he's so cool. Like he's got this edge to him that I just think is really great. And now we've got a student that really wants to do the best that they can and knows that they're seen, know that they're value. Yes, they might struggle with some stuff but like knows the teacher has their back.
Sharon Collon [00:30:09]:
Right. So we know that that connection piece is super important. I think most parents listening to this would be able to help. But having said that, when you've got a stressed out, overworked teacher at the front of the class and we've got a child who's required repeatedly needing so many, so much attention, so much support, there's a lot of teachers that do get triggered by kids with ADHD and they're stressed and we're all a bit tired. So maybe we can do. If I can get your opinion on that and how to support teachers when they are feeling triggered because it's so easy to switch into that. Oh, if they're only just. Everyone else can.
Sharon Collon [00:30:47]:
Why can't they just.
Dominique [00:30:48]:
That happens a lot.
Sharon Collon [00:30:49]:
Getting into the shoulds.
Dominique [00:30:50]:
Yes. And that's where the shaming, unfortunately, and the trauma for an ADHD child continues because unfortunately they're hearing this subliminal messaging a lot of the time. Oh, look at all the rest of the class. Why can't John just do what everybody else is doing? Look at such a. And, and although we think that that's a great strategy because that will, you know, prompt that child to then show up, what we're also doing to that child is we're really actually just shaming them even more and making them feel even worse. So I think to answer this question, which it's such a tricky space to sit in, I think what I want to touch on is my own personal journey here because I think I sit in a really unique space of being a parent to neurodivergent children, having a late diagnosis myself and understanding my own burnout and my own anxiety and my own diagnosis of misdiagnosis, of depression and my children triggering me and how to work through that, but also knowing how to advocate for my child without putting more pressure on the teacher and actually sitting in a space of confidence to be able to say, I really want this for my child. But I also really want to work with you to make this happen. Because I think that that's a very important space to sit in.
Dominique [00:32:11]:
But then also as a teacher sitting there, I have worked with so many teachers who say to me, yeah, this is great, Dom, all this is great, but I'm done with that child. And that's terrible. That is terrible to say, but I can also feel it for them because they are at their wits end. They're not getting enough support, they're not getting enough funding. ADHD accrues pretty much no funding within this public school system. So it's up to parents. You know, this is so hard, but what I often say to teachers and what I would say to any teacher that is listening is that this is really tough to say, but I had a session with my own school that I was working with because we had a student just like this. He triggered so many teachers.
Dominique [00:33:02]:
He had no diagnosis, he had very little support from home. His behaviours were continuing and continuing. And even myself, somebody who understands all of this, understands how to manage my overwhelm and my triggering and when it rears its ugly head and I know I just want that child away from me. This child even got me. But he would roll his eyes, he would tut at teachers, he would mouth off, he would do all of these things and teachers would sit in a meeting and say, he's rude, he's disrespectful. And I sat in this meeting and I said, he is not rude and he is not disrespectful. They are learned behaviors that he is using to manage his dysregulated nervous system. Now, I get it.
Dominique [00:33:49]:
As yourself, you shouldn't be treated like that. As a teacher, you shouldn't have to deal with that. But what I'm asking you to do is understand that they are learnt behaviour and when you see that as a personal attack, you aren't able to put the child in a space of compassion. You just can't. Knowing that is really empowering because if you can again go back to it's. The behaviors are not the child. The behaviors are a coping, a way of coping with unmet needs and a dysregulated nervous system. So that's one part.
Dominique [00:34:24]:
If we continue to know that a lot of these behaviors are, are there because they're trying to manage a really stressful situation, then we can also apply that to ourselves. Right? Let's shift that lens from supporting the child. Now let's shift it to the teacher. So I said to these teachers, know who you are and where you're at when you walk into the classroom. We know that most teachers have already dealt with a whole day before they even walk in to school. Often these teachers are mothers themselves, parents themselves, or have stress outside of their teaching environment. When you walk into school, you may have just, you know, done two loads of washing, packed all your three kids into the car, got them off, you know, had to do something for your husband, realized you had no petrol as you were getting to school. You walk into school, you have all these fantastic plans to do the photocopying and be prepared for the day and there's no toner in the Photocopier, your whole day is just gone.
Dominique [00:35:22]:
What's going to happen to your nervous system? Where are you sitting? You're dysregulated. And it is about understanding that I am already sitting up here. If I walk in through that room and don't understand that that's where I'm at and haven't even given myself a little bit of support, my nervous system, just a little bit, I can guarantee you are going to bring heat to every situation that's in that classroom. You are going to be less likely to be able to manage and deal with those students. Because if you can't even recognize it, how do we support it? And that comes back to self care and well being. You are there, it is your job. I actually said to these teachers, if you are on a playground duty where this student is and you know you can't cope and you know he's triggering you, you need to ask for support and help because it's not his fault that you can't manage him triggering you. Now you're gonna have so many teachers in the classroom go, well, that's all and good, but I have this child in my class and that's really, really tough.
Dominique [00:36:28]:
It is so tough. But again, let's go back to if we realize we're not going to be able to fix this child. The pressure often comes for a teacher from the space of but he has to be accountable. I have to be accountable for how much he's done. He's done nothing in his workbook. How can I. He's done nothing. Everybody.
Dominique [00:36:48]:
The parents going to want to know what's he learning? Well, this is a much bigger conversation, but this comes to having a conversation with the parent. And I know this is going to come in a little bit, but I'm really excited about our connection, Sharon, because I know we're building something really great for teachers and we will talk about that, but we have to start to look at what are the parent's academic, social, emotional and environmental priorities. Now when I look at that, I say, what does the parent want for educational success? Do they want this child to get all their grades and be the best in their class and academically tick everything off and have a nice piece of written work sitting on the page that I can say, look, this is what they've done or do they want them to be supported when they're having a meltdown? Do they want to make sure their friendships are connected and repaired? Do they want to make sure that they get those transition periods supported and have those breakouts in the session so that can support their nervous system. Do they want things put into the environment to ensure that they have access to have enough stimulation for their nervous system to regulate within the playground? These are all those things, the priorities. Imagine if a parent said, you know what, Mrs. Jones, my priority is for my child to have emotional success within the classroom. Because I know that if that's not there, the academics is never going to come. And that's my priority.
Dominique [00:38:13]:
That's what I want you to support. Imagine the pressure that that's going to take off that teacher. Just from having that conversation and having that shared connection with the parent. They're going to say, okay, he's doing nothing today. He's really not. But it's a really tough day. I can see his nervous system's dysregulated. I'm going to put some things in place right now that take the pressure off me because I have these 25, 30 other students and I'm just going to support his nervous system today because that's going to make him feel good and that's going to make him want to come back tomorrow.
Dominique [00:38:44]:
Because if I don't, he's not going to want to come back tomorrow. And who's that going to put pressure on the parent and then have a conversation with the parent in the afternoon. Look, we had a really tough day today. Something's going on. His nervous system's just completely dysregulated. He fought me on absolutely everything. Or she fought me. She was unkind to her friends.
Dominique [00:39:03]:
That's where she's at at the moment. Today's been a tough week. We're going to have to re evaluate those goals. It's not working. Those are the conversations we have with the parents. That's how we keep all of those stakeholders connected. And guess who's going to benefit from that? The child, the teacher, and the parent. We're not going to fix this.
Dominique [00:39:24]:
This is not a fix approach. This is a getting on the same page, understanding that today I'm really burnt out. I can't deal with Sophia. I'm just picking a name. I can't deal with Sophia today. I know that that's a problem. What am I going to do today to make sure that I'm supporting that? Well, I'm going to make sure I have water. As a teacher, I'm going to make sure my water's handy.
Dominique [00:39:44]:
I'm going to have, you know, maybe a little session where the kids don't need as much support from me. And I'm going to take a minute out to take some deep breaths, to just take some time to reflect and how I'm going to attack the rest of the day. Those are little things that teachers need to go. This is how I'm feeling right now. I know today is probably not going to be really content, heavy because if I push myself, that's going to break connections with the students and then no one's going to achieve anything. And I need to be a little bit kinder because my world is falling apart too. And I don't know, maybe you can answer this, Sharon, but if I said to, I'd say 90% of parents, if I said that to them as a teacher, they'd be like, yeah, I support that. That's what I want in the classroom.
Dominique [00:40:28]:
I much prefer a calmer approach because you're regulated and you're supporting yourself than yelling and screaming at all of the kids because you didn't get all of the work done that was listed on that document. And now my child doesn't want to come back to school or they feel horrible because a comment like you said was said in the heat of the moment that really made my child feel horrible. So getting everyone on that page and just supporting our. Your own regulation is also so important.
Sharon Collon [00:40:55]:
I always say to my teachers, for my kids, I was like, I'm just gonna take the pressure off you right now. I do not care about academics. I don't care. So I was like, I'm never gonna come to you and go, why didn't they get this Mark? Why? I said, I don't care about that. All I. My only goal for school is to get them through it with their self esteem as intact as possible. That's my only goal. If we can have kindness and align with our family values, that is awesome.
Dominique [00:41:24]:
But again, that comes back to Ross Green, Right? Children that do well, that feel good and that feel safe, they will do well.
Sharon Collon [00:41:32]:
Yeah.
Dominique [00:41:33]:
So I want to just say something very quickly because I always think about the other. There's going to be parents that come back. Teachers are going to listen to this and go, but hang on a minute. This parent does want the academics. This parent is pushing for the academics. This parent is. But the child's crumbling in the classroom because they're putting pressure on themselves. Where do I sit in that space? I think that's a really important question.
Dominique [00:41:54]:
And I think what we need to do then is we need to start to go, okay, I need to upskill this family. I need to also upskill myself on how to support this family to focus on these academic skills, but at the same time nurture the child within my classroom. So often I had teachers who said to me, look, I need you to come to this meeting with this parent because their goals are all academic but this child is crumbling with anxiety and I need a way for the parents to understand the support because sometimes there are some families that don't see it, they don't understand it, they don't have the education or the cultural background that allows them to prioritize that emotional well being. And we may know it as teachers that it works, we may know it as supporters of these families, but the family doesn't know it. So as a teacher, I would say access support within your school that can support that. Opening up those conversations, whether it's your learning support team, whether it's somebody who's really skilled in your, your school setting that could come and sit in on the meeting and say, I have this teacher or this expert here that's got a background in this. I'd really love them to have a chat to you and have. Having those conversations is again exactly what I said to you about the parent going in and having the conversation with the teacher.
Dominique [00:43:15]:
It's also the teacher going, okay, I now need to have conversations with the parent in a compassionate way that makes them understand that yes, I'm going to focus on these academics and I understand that's your priority. But we also need to support what's beneath some of these behaviours that we are seeing coming up.
Sharon Collon [00:43:33]:
Love that so much. Now Dom, you've shared so much gold with us in today's interview. Now I just want to finish it because I love doing a bit of a key strategy kind of thing. If you are a teacher in the front of the classroom, can you give us a few quick things that they can do? If you were going to say like top three, top three things that you can do that generally suit most kids and we know that everyone's different, right? But if you can give us three quick takeaways that they can try, what would those be?
Dominique [00:44:05]:
Okay, so number one is I'd say implement clear rules, stay firm, but be compassionate, always bring compassion into that. Because ADHD kids need boundaries, they do need rules and they need you to hold firm on them because they will push those boundaries. It's part of what they enjoy, it's part of their stimulation. So stay firm on those, but be compassionate about it. You cannot always. Kindness is a choice. I say to my kids constantly and in the Classroom, choose kindness. It's a choice.
Dominique [00:44:37]:
The second one I'd say is diffuse challenging situations, avoid the escalation and separate parties. That's a big tip, I'd say. So in the moment, that's what I'd want them to do, try to defuse it. Let's think about diffusing. Let's think about what I've taught you about the nervous system. Let's not try and fix. Let's not try and address all the things that they did. They threw that piece of paper over there.
Dominique [00:44:57]:
Let's not do that. That. Let's just think about what can I do right now to support this child's nervous system? What can I do to avoid escalating it further, which is connection. And let's separate the two parties that are triggering or whatever's happening. Because right in that moment, if we keep those kids together, it's only going to get worse. So how do I do that in that classroom setting to ensure that they're safe, but they're away from each other? So that's the next tip, and the last one I would give is if the child is struggling to show up, we as teachers need to find a way to accommodate. Accommodate those difficulties. Okay, so that's looking beneath it.
Dominique [00:45:32]:
So if you see a child and you know they're struggling, whether it's behaviour, academic, socially, environmentally, they're struggling. We as the teachers, it is your responsibility to find an accommodation or a way of supporting that child to show up. They don't have the skills. Their brain is underdeveloped. They don't have them. That's our job. Our job is to teach, discipline. The word discipline is to teach and learn.
Dominique [00:46:02]:
That's our role. So if they have a skill that they don't have, that's our job, is to upskill them. So if they're struggling, let's address the skill they need to upskill on. So that'd be the three.
Sharon Collon [00:46:14]:
Love that so much. And I want to get our audience very excited about what we're working on.
Dominique [00:46:19]:
Together, Dom, Because I'm so excited.
Sharon Collon [00:46:21]:
Oh, my gosh. So Dom and I creating a short course for teachers about supporting ADHD in the classroom. This is something that you guys have been crying out for. And so we're working together furiously in the background to create a resource for teachers. It's going to be easy, it's going to be palatable, it's going to be full of practical tools. Using Dom's expertise as a teacher and an advocate and using mine as an adhd coach and parenting expert and we're going to be merging that together to make this one beautiful snowball of practical tools. So super excited for that. Stay tuned for that.
Sharon Collon [00:46:56]:
That's going to be coming out in this year. This year. And Dom, I'd love if you can tell us a little bit about where people can find you and find your books because I know that they have so much that you have so much wisdom to share and the books are a great resource for our beautiful kids.
Dominique [00:47:12]:
So firstly, I'd love any of your listeners to follow me on social media on all of those platforms. I know you'll probably have the link. I'm on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn. I am so passionate about change and support that I just provide so much insight on there. It's very real, it's very practical, it's acknowledging all of the difficulties that we're facing. So following me on there is also just a way to remember that we're all in this together and it's just, it's real, it's not always perfect, it's not always easy. So definitely on those platforms. My website is a great way to look for my everything that I do.
Dominique [00:47:54]:
And also you can purchase my books through there. That's the only platform that you can purchase my books through simply because I've self published them and, and that's where we're at at the moment. I'm excited about the course that we're doing because I'm also very excited. This is the first year that I'm starting to create programs and platforms for support for parents in this educational space. So I'm very excited. I've got my first event workshop coming up. It's Sydney based. It will be out of local school, Brighton with Sands Public School.
Dominique [00:48:27]:
It's a very quick one and a half hour workshop that's all just on decoding behavior. So people, if they keep on my socials, they will get access to seeing when that's coming up. So lots of exciting things happening. But mainly my website and social platforms are where we can find most of the information that I provide and I'm.
Sharon Collon [00:48:47]:
Going to link all of that into the show. Notes. Thank you so much for your time today, Dawn. It's been amazing.
Dominique [00:48:54]:
Thank you for letting me talk about what I love. I could talk forever and I know that you know you would too. So yeah, thanks for keeping me. Hopefully I kept on track.
Sharon Collon [00:49:04]:
Oh, you did. And it's provided so much value. Thank you.
Dominique [00:49:08]:
I hope so.
Sharon Collon [00:49:09]:
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Adhd Families podcast. If you loved it, please share it on your socials. I want this to start a conversation about adhd. If you want to make this mum do a little happy dance, please leave a review on itunes. If you would like to know more about what we do, check out thefunctionalfamily.com I truly hope that you enjoyed this podcast podcast and you use it to create a wonderful, effective, joyful life with your beautiful children.
