Jamie Blume [00:00:00]:
Many, many times happens when I'm working with couples is we're working on those limiting beliefs. We're working on really changing not only their thoughts about the other person, but also about themselves. Because as we know that our thoughts and our emotions create the behaviors that we and actions that we take, and so if our thoughts and emotions are in the negative, so will our actions and behaviors. So if we can really start shifting that and having people feel better about themselves, it also enhances the couple.
Sharon Collon [00:00:30]:
Welcome to the ADHD Families podcast. I'm your host, Sharon Collin, an award winning credentialed ADHD coach and consultant and mama and wife to a very ADHD family. I am seriously obsessed with making life easier for people with ADHD and those that support them. My business, the functional family, provides life changing support and strategies for ADHD. I particularly love anything that saves time, decreases conflict, and creates space for fun. Do you want a life with your beautiful family that is more functional, fun, and full of joy? Let's explore together the wonderful and sometimes wacky world of family life with ADHD in the mix. Welcome to another episode of the ADHD Families podcast. I'm your host, Sharon Collin, and I am so happy you are here.
Sharon Collon [00:01:23]:
Look, there wouldn't be a day that goes past inside our big Facebook group, our free support group, that someone doesn't ask a question about relationships, about their relationship with their partner or their husband or their wife, and people are crying out for support. We know that when there's ADHD in the mix for marriages and relationships, that there is a very unique set of challenges and a unique set of strengths as well that comes along with navigating those relationships. So I brought in the big guns. I brought in one of my mentors, Jamie Blume from the States. Now, she is a fabulous ADHD coach. She is also trained in this from intimacy from the inside out couples coach and has a really amazing and unique spin on how to navigate all relationships when you have ADHD in the mix. I can't wait for you to hear Jamie's amazing practical tools for how to have a successful relationship when you have ADHD in the mix. Hi there, Jamie.
Sharon Collon [00:02:29]:
I am so excited to have you on the podcast today.
Jamie Blume [00:02:33]:
Well, thank you, Sharon. I am so excited to be here.
Sharon Collon [00:02:36]:
Look, it is an absolute honour. I'm fangirling here a little bit because I adore your work and I, you know, I'm so thankful for the times that you have mentored me and taught me as well. And super excited for you to share your knowledge with this amazing community. Let's get started. But if you can tell me a little bit about your personal journey with ADHD and how it led you to become an ADHD coach.
Jamie Blume [00:03:04]:
Yeah, thanks for asking. It has been. It was quite a journey, an organic one, I would say. We always knew that my middle son had some challenges and got into lots of trouble in middle school, but we never knew it was ADHD. And he had some serious struggles with a lot of pretty serious stuff and had to go away for treatment for quite a long time. And when he was away, the people where he was commented that they thought he might have something called ADHD. We had no idea even what it was. When he got back, and we finally had him diagnosed in high school.
Jamie Blume [00:03:44]:
We also had my other two diagnosed at the same time and me as well. So it was like a big bang all at the same time that we all kind of got diagnosed together and having no idea kind of what it was or what it meant. I remember the psychiatrist said, you really need a lot of structure in your house. And at the time, I started laughing and said, what structure now I get. Oh, I had ADHD, but at the time, I didn't really know what that meant. And it led me down this huge path of learning and research. And at the time, I was doing wellness and holistic health and nutrition coaching. And so I used a lot of my expertise in that to dive deep into what ADHD actually meant and went back to school, as you know, at Adka and got trained, and now I teach there.
Jamie Blume [00:04:34]:
So it's been this just unbelievable journey for me of not only academics, but also personal life experience and gain, and not only supporting my children, but also myself and my family. So I think even my dog has ADHD, so supporting him as well.
Sharon Collon [00:04:55]:
So tell me, how did your own ADHD diagnosis change your perspective on your own challenges and your children's challenges?
Jamie Blume [00:05:03]:
Well, it was really interesting when I got diagnosed. Like I said at the time, I was, yeah, whatever. I don't know what that means. And then it's always interesting when your kids have something, you actually take the time to look into it and see what it's all about. And I was doing a lot of parent coaching work around health and wellness, and one of my clients said to me, wow, can you help us learn more about this? So it really made me dive deep into it. And so it was a, I think it was an explosion of really deepened awareness and understanding so that I could then support my children. And through supporting my children, I learned all of these wonderful tools to then support myself.
Sharon Collon [00:05:46]:
Love that so much. So tell me a little bit about your. Oh, I've got so many questions. Sorry. I'm going to order them appropriately because one of the things I'm going to jump through to couples now, right? Because one of the biggest topics that we see come up in our free support group and through our community is relationship struggles with ADHD. Now, this is something that you are super passionate about. And so I wanted to, you know, pick your brain about this while we've got you here and knowing that this is something that you're really strong at. Tell me a little bit about what couples.
Jamie Blume [00:06:26]:
And I'll start by saying what happened with my own marriage when we were diagnosed. You know, I have a very neurotypical, type a attorney husband, and I am this free spirit wellness coach, holistic yoga meditation guide. And we couldn't figure out why we had troubles with. I was in charge of all the bills and all the things and why we were having such a hard time with things. And once I started going down the path of learning of ADHD, this idea of working with couples just so resonated with me because as I learned about my own ADHD, it changed my marriage, it changed my relationship, not only with my husband, but with my family, with my friends. So relationships doesn't have to just be with partner or spouse. And I think that's one of the things that people don't realize is we're all in a relationship. So anytime we're dealing with anybody, whether it's boss, coworker, sister, friend, brother, mother, whatever, it's a relationship.
Jamie Blume [00:07:34]:
So to me, that relationship work is so empowering. That said, I have many, many couples who come to me because they're struggling. Either they're both neurodiverse, and so lots of things are falling through the cracks, or they have more similar to my husband and I, where you have a neurotypical and a neurodiverse, and they just can't seem to figure it out. And there's just lots of explosive arguing or passive aggressive arguing or avoidant arguing. And so however it is that they are coming to the table, they're not coming to the table collaboratively until they show up. And then we really get to work together to not only help them understand each other. And I really want to be clear about this, Sharon, and I know, you know this. It's not about helping the neurotypical understand the neurodiverse.
Jamie Blume [00:08:31]:
It's both. It's both. They both have challenges, they both have limitations, and they both have unbelievable strengths and successes. So it's really about coming together. And I'll say one more thing about it. As I like to say, there's three entities when we talk about a couple. There's each individual, and then there's the couple. And so when we can work together to support the couple, that's when the real magic happens.
Sharon Collon [00:09:01]:
So thinking about couples that come in and see you and how they presented, right. What's the most. I'm framing this in a way that when I did some work with the Gottman theory, right. They were like, the most dangerous thing for relationships is contempt.
Jamie Blume [00:09:18]:
Right.
Sharon Collon [00:09:19]:
And that comes through a lot in relationships when there's, you know, one partner that is perceived as not picking up the slack or perhaps as unreliable. Would you agree that that is one of the most dangerous components of. In these relationships?
Jamie Blume [00:09:35]:
Yes. And it goes both ways, though, Sharon, because. Right. So, you know, I'm in couple and I'm the neurodiverse and I'm not holding my weight. There's a lot of resentment from partner to me, but then there's a lot of resentment back that I'm constantly being nagged, I'm constantly yelled at, I'm constantly being undermined or, you know, I had a client earlier, a couple earlier today, and the neurotypical partner said, why just do everything? Because I can't trust that this will get done. And you should have seen the look on the other partner's face. Right. So it does go both directions that can tell.
Sharon Collon [00:10:12]:
What other things do you think? What other challenges do you think that they're facing that makes the work that they do or how they present to you unique to other couples?
Jamie Blume [00:10:22]:
Number one, lack of understanding of themselves sometimes and of each other. So sometimes I get couples come in and they know that they have ADHD, but that's all they know. You know, it's just like an individual coming in for coaching. So they don't even understand how their ADHD brain is showing up in their challenges. So sometimes it's educating both of them individually as well as together. The other piece of this that I find is a lot of times they fall into the patterns and habits of, well, you know, this is just how it's going to be forever. They just don't, they don't. They don't realize that as a couple they can grow and change.
Jamie Blume [00:11:03]:
And I think when they see, when they come to me and they get that sense of hope that things actually can change, that they actually can learn to communicate and remember why they are together and the love that they feel for each other. It's one of the most rewarding moments in my job, in my work, that I get to see this look at each other and the sparkle of their eyes again, and there's nothing like it.
Sharon Collon [00:11:32]:
I love that. So tell me a little bit about what process you would take a couple through.
Jamie Blume [00:11:39]:
Yeah, that's a great question. It's unique for different couples, of course, just like individual coaching. But there's a couple of things that we look at when I'm working with couples, and I'm basing this on something called ifio, which is intimacy in the inside out, and it's something called courageous communication. And so we really start with looking at how they are already communicating. So a lot of clients will come to us or come to me in content. You know, he said, she said, she said, she said. They said, they said, whatever it is, right? But it's. It's.
Jamie Blume [00:12:16]:
A lot of this happened. And let me tell you the story, and let me tell you why I'm so mad and resentful. And so what I try to do, first and foremost, is separate the content from what I call the dance. So what's actually going on when this happens? What's happening for you? What emotions are you feeling? What's the felt sense in your body? What do you. What are you thinking? What are the thoughts in your head? And then when that happens, what does partner do? And then what? And then what? You know, let's talk about the typical. Because typically, couples get into that same dance over and over and over. One yells, one avoids, one walks away. They stop, you know, whatever it is.
Jamie Blume [00:12:56]:
So if we can start having them understand the dance, then when they're not in my office, they have a better sense of at least having the awareness that, oh, we're going down the path again. So that's one of the things I start with at the beginning of couples work. And then we get into more of this collaborative communication and courageous communication, like I call it. And we're really looking at what is the underlying emotion that you're feeling when these things are happening. And not just mad, frustrated, angry, sad, but devalued, disrespected, undermined, whatever it is, so that people can really start tapping into not only the other person's feelings, but their own. And it gives them a different lens. A part of me is feeling this way, and I don't want to feel this way anymore. What can we do that's a lot easier to work with than.
Jamie Blume [00:13:52]:
You forgot the milk again. So if we can get to the layers of underneath of what is happening within their system, what are their parts? What are parts of them feeling? Because it's not all of them feeling it either. If we can get into that, then we have a shot of slowing down the process so that they can come to each other. And you see that bit of understanding when people talk from emotion. So the last thing I will say is, we go into this equal but not same collaboration. So equal can be that we tap into the different people's strengths. So if I have a really great strength of organization and you have a really great strength of something else, then maybe I take on more of the organization and the house, and you take on whatever it is that your strength is. And so when I say that to couples, so many people think, well, I'm doing this, you have to do it too.
Jamie Blume [00:14:55]:
If I'm going to make dinner, you also have to make dinner. But sometimes people don't care. They're just, you know, as long as they're feeling that they're both contributing, sometimes that's enough. So we're looking at all these different pieces before we even get to the system structures and tools, because that's just band aiding the symptoms. But we really wanna get to the root because that's where the real change happens.
Sharon Collon [00:15:23]:
Do you think that a lot of couples, I mean, I could speak from my own personal relationship here. When they meet someone with ADHD, the person with ADHD is so much good fun, right? Like, they're exciting and spontaneous and their brains are incredible. Like, I felt that way about my husband right from the first moment I saw him. He was like a cyclone. But he's an exciting cyclone, right? But when you start adding in kids and responsibility and bills and all of that stuff, that's when things can get uncertainty stuck. Are you, you know, do you feel like kids complicate things for a lot of relationships in every way?
Jamie Blume [00:16:07]:
You know, you think about it, even for an individual, the kids are complicating things for a couple, for sure. I mean, even if you think about the baby comes home and just the lack of sleep, I mean, if you think about just that, immediately starts complicating things. Because as we know, with all brains, but especially neurodiverse brainstor, we, you know, we need our sleep, we need good nutrition, we need we. We need those outlets, we need to move our bodies. We need the fun. And so if we're focused so much solely on the kids, we're not doing that. And what else aren't we? Doing. We're not focusing on each other.
Jamie Blume [00:16:45]:
And what I find when I work with couples and is I'll say to them, when's the last time you guys had fun? And they'll look at me and start laughing. Fun. What do you mean? We're running around with the kids all day. When's the last time you were intimate? Intimate? Well, I held his hand for a second. I think that was three months ago. You know, I mean. So again, that's one of the biggest issues with kids, is that we lose each other.
Sharon Collon [00:17:11]:
Yes. So how do you help people have some more fun together?
Jamie Blume [00:17:18]:
We really start. We first start with all the things that I talked to you about so that people can remember why they chose that cyclone, why they chose that super fun person who's the life of the party and now is really, really struggling with kids and all the things. So we first and foremost want to get them back on track. We want to support, like I said, that third entity, the couple. And then we can start thinking about how are we going to set up the home? What do we need in place? And this opens so many different doors depending on the couple. But what do we need support for organization around children and home. What do we need to do together to make the house run more smoothly so that there's more free time for fun? How can you set up, whether it's just childcare or switching with neighbors, so that you can make it a priority. And this is a big one.
Jamie Blume [00:18:19]:
And I was working with a couple yesterday, and one of them said, well, I know I want to have things better, but all these other things are higher priority. What we pay attention to is what we pay attention to. And if we're not paying attention to each other, that's going to be the low end of the totem pole.
Sharon Collon [00:18:42]:
Such important words as well. And I love that you like going back a little bit now to when you were talking about that people get stuck in the content from the dance. Yeah. Because that feels very, very important, I think, where sometimes we get stuck, we really want to win.
Jamie Blume [00:19:02]:
Right?
Sharon Collon [00:19:02]:
Where we know that we're right. We're like, but I did this, this, this, and this. I'm stuck in the content, right?
Jamie Blume [00:19:09]:
I will get Sharon. I'll get texts from people from one of the couple. Let me tell you what partner did. You know? Let me tell you, before I come to session, I want you to know what they did right? So, because I want to win when I get there, or we step into session and immediately they both launch into, you know, the they said, they said type of thing and they do. It's all about winning, and that's not getting people anywhere. If we're so focused on winning and losing, we're not, we're not healing, we're not helping, we're not serving, we're not collaborating, we're not moving forward in any way. We're just digging in our heels.
Sharon Collon [00:19:49]:
So if we win, no one wins.
Jamie Blume [00:19:51]:
Exactly, exactly, exactly. Except in the moment.
Sharon Collon [00:19:57]:
Yes. Yes. So thinking about the division of responsibilities and, you know, knowing that if we're honoring our strengths and, you know, maybe like our partner has these things that they're very good at, they're the things that they're going to do to help, and then we have these strengths and these are the things that we're going to do to help. How do you help people? Make sure that or come to an agreement about what is fair? Because our sense of fairness is very high.
Jamie Blume [00:20:26]:
And when I can get the couple to come back together to focus on the couple, it tends to fall more easily into place. If I were to start with. All right, well, let's just sit down, everyone, and let's come up with how we're going to do division of labor. You better believe they're going to walk out. I mean, that's not going to go well. And so it really is about setting them up for success before we launch into the division of labor. Because once, if you think about even in your own marriage, when things are going well and you're on good terms, you're much more likely to work together to make it happen and to let things slide. And when couples come to me, there's so much tension and so much resentment and so much anger and contempt, like you said, that they're not going to let anything slide.
Jamie Blume [00:21:29]:
And you better believe it's going to be 50 50. Exactly. Exactly 50 50. And what that 50 50 means, like you said, might not be the same to each of them. And so what we really want to do is really slow down the train, really, really take things slowly and easily so that then when we get to that part of divisional labor, we can really come up with what's going to work for right now. And we're not making a plan for the next five years. We're making a plan. Let's just do some experimentation.
Jamie Blume [00:22:00]:
Let's just see how this works for the next week. Let's just try it out and let's see how it goes so that it doesn't feel so threatening and sentenced to in stone. And as we know, with people with ADHD, me included. Right. We like to switch things up. We like to respark a lies. And so it may be that we, they continue to change what they're doing, but at least we come up with some sort of structure, some sort of system, some sort of tools to help them navigate the things that are challenging in the home and with the children and with each other so that they have more bandwidth to do some of the things that may be a little bit more challenging for them.
Sharon Collon [00:22:43]:
Love this. So now that we've got the couple working together, how important do you think it is also for couples to spend time apart?
Jamie Blume [00:22:56]:
Good question. I am a firm believer, based on all of my life experience and all of my education and background in holistic world, that it's. That it's important for us to have a lot of different relationships with different people, that it's nice to be able to have the ability to be alone and the ability to have social interactions with others, that, that can really enhance our own self, of that sense of self. And so it can be really nice for people to also have other people in areas where they go and with whom they interact.
Sharon Collon [00:23:39]:
I think it's like so important because we just need our own memories. And especially if you've got kids in the household that also have challenges, like, we need our own stuff too. Like we need to, you know, interesting.
Jamie Blume [00:23:52]:
One other thing, you know, that you just brought something up that is, can be hugely valuable. And that is the idea of hobbies. And when I work with couples, really healthy couples have their own hobbies. Maybe they have them together and they do some of them together, but they're interested in other things than just the children and each other. And I don't mean just the children, but they have things that they also like to do that they feel passionate about, that fulfill them, that energize them. They're those healthy energy sources. Come to the table feeling full of healthy energy sources. It can help with some of this other stuff.
Jamie Blume [00:24:34]:
And again, some of those, and hopefully some of those they get to do together. Right. Because that's, you know, that's fun. But it is really nice that they're, that they're doing something other than being in the home.
Sharon Collon [00:24:47]:
Interesting. So thinking about, you know, the work that you do along their way, firstly, it might be a great idea to talk to people a little bit about how your coaching approach, you know, how that plays out in your beautiful business.
Jamie Blume [00:25:05]:
So my coaching, I think what you're asking is how do I incorporate some of my approach into working with couples or in general.
Sharon Collon [00:25:13]:
I'm going to go in general for this one.
Jamie Blume [00:25:16]:
So for me, my coaching approach is collaborative, very strength based, and very unique to each individual and each couple. And for me, it's so not a one size fits all because none of us are the same, even if we have, as I like to say to my clients, even if you have very similar challenges of ADHD, they're not the same. Everybody has their own unique brain. It just happens to also be have ADHD. And so ADHD is a part of it. That's it. And so I'm really working with individuals and couples on their own journey, on their own path. And that, to me, feels the most rewarding and transformative for the clients with whom I see.
Jamie Blume [00:26:04]:
I love that.
Sharon Collon [00:26:05]:
So what makes, and obviously I know the answer to this, but I would love for the listeners at home, what makes seeing an ADHD coach for couples work? What makes that unique to seeing an average couples counselor or therapist?
Jamie Blume [00:26:23]:
Gosh, that's such a great question. And I will say that I get a lot of people, clients, individuals and couples come to me somewhat broken because they went to a therapist or a coach who hung a sign, not literally, but figuratively. That said, I work with people with ADHD who did a weekend course on, not even sometimes did a Google search on what is ADHD? They're trying to fit a neurotypical lens on somebody with ADHD, and it doesn't tend to go well. The one thing that I will say with clients, couples, or individuals with ADHD is they're already coming to the table with that negativity bias. They're already coming. What is the quote that how many thousands of negative somebody has by the time they're 20 or whatever the number is. And so they're already coming with so much negativity. And so then to have a therapist or a coach trying to fit them into a mold that's not the right mold can be heart wrenching.
Jamie Blume [00:27:30]:
And so what we do it along their way. The difference with ADHD coaching, and I know you know this too, Sharon, because you do it too, is we're really supporting, supporting clients to help them understand their ADHD brain, to help them be able to look at what's going to work for them, for their specific challenges, for what their brain is needing, how their brain is focusing on their strengths and challenges, and knowing that we might need to shake it up, we might need to mix things up. And that's okay. We do a lot of talk around transitions and transitions can be. I go away for a weekend. It doesn't have to be. I move cross country. What I hear over and over is, oh, my gosh.
Jamie Blume [00:28:15]:
You get me. Oh, my gosh. You understand? Oh, my gosh. I don't have to explain myself. Oh, my gosh. Thank you for just listening. Thank you for being here. So I think that's the testament to really being able to understand and support.
Sharon Collon [00:28:34]:
Do you think it's that recognizing, and I would talk a lot about this in the parenting space, which I'm sure you do as well, is that recognizing that won't from can't. You know, we might assume that someone is doing things because they just don't want to. They just don't want to. They're just being difficult. But really, it's in that moment they can't. Or perhaps they don't have the skills to yet.
Jamie Blume [00:28:55]:
This is. This comes up all the time with couples because it's, you know, partner's lazy, partner's not motivated, partner doesn't care about me. I hear that a lot. If partner cared about me, they would close the cabinets. And a lot of times, partner doesn't even realize the cabinets are open. And so it really is a camp versus won't or. I had. I had.
Jamie Blume [00:29:24]:
This is. This is parent child, not couple. But I had a child who the parent wanted them to clean their room. And we went round and round, and finally I said to the child, do you know, not child, I mean, young adult child still living at home. So 19 year old, I said, do you know what your mom wants when she says, cleaning your room? And the young adult looked at me and said, I don't know. I mean, I think she just wants me to put my clothes away. And the mom's like, no, I want this and this and this and this. And so we made a checklist.
Jamie Blume [00:29:58]:
And so all of a sudden it was like, oh, now I get it. Now I get it. And I have couples. I have a couple client that I'm working with right now, and one of the partners has checklists all over the house, what they need to do to clean the kitchen, what they need to do, and so on. Not because partners said, you need to do this, but they came to it together. And so now it's not a won't. Now it's a I didn't understand. I didn't know.
Jamie Blume [00:30:28]:
I didn't know how.
Sharon Collon [00:30:29]:
So it's about being really clear about your expectation. I've got something. As you was talking, then something just came up for me. How big do you think RSD is? Or rejection sensitivity, dysphoria, or however we frame it, radical safety detector. How big do you think this is in relationship struggles? Huge.
Jamie Blume [00:30:54]:
Huge. Because if you think about, all somebody has to say is, I don't like the way you did that, or even this coffee doesn't taste so good. And rejection sensitivity comes in, and then they're either fighting back or they're feeling rejected, or they're feeling shut down, or whatever is happening. Sometimes it sparks that explosion of fighting. Sometimes it's shut down and avoidance. But whatever it is, it's creating this platform of sadness and conflict, and then it creates this whole idea of limiting beliefs. Then the person who's feeling the rejection is saying, well, I guess I can't. And they start feeling badly about themselves.
Jamie Blume [00:31:37]:
So one of the other things that many, many times happens when I'm working with couples is we're working on those limiting beliefs. We're working on really changing not only their thoughts about the other person, but also about themselves. Because as we know that our thoughts and our emotions create the behaviors and actions that we take. And so if our thoughts and emotions are in the negative, so will our actions and behaviors. So if we can really start shifting that and having people feel better about themselves, it also enhances the couple.
Sharon Collon [00:32:12]:
Can you give us an example of perhaps how someone could shift, or maybe an example from your work? You don't have to say any names or anything about how RSD has presented itself and how you can shift that limiting belief so that they can move past it. Because I think this is a road. I think this is a roadblock for a lot of people. They know perhaps RSD is a factor, but they don't know how to move it. Or perhaps they believe that they can't change or they can't adopt new habits.
Jamie Blume [00:32:41]:
So there's a lot of different ways to deal with this. One of the ways that I really like is if I'm working with an individual in the couple, I'm doing a lot of what I call kind of like a letting go and a healing of the looming belief. So we're tapping into what is the emotion that's being felt, that negative emotion? What are the vulnerabilities underneath? What are you believing about yourself when you're hearing this from partner, when you're feeling this emotion? And then what do you need to kind of heal yourself? What does that part of you need? What does that vulnerability need? And can you soothe that part of you? So we do it with ourselves first and then we bring in partner to help soothe that as well. But it's also about learning how to communicate in a way that we're not throwing jabs so that we don't have to necessarily get to the rejection sensitivities. That said, we all get triggered. We're human. And so part of the other work we do is how do we tap into the felt sense of the trigger? And when we do, how can we shorten the duration of the rejection sensitivity and the volatility of the rejection sensitivity? So it's not that we never feel rejected, but we really work on limiting it. So, and then we're also looking at where's that trigger coming from? And many times it's, well, when I was in second grade at school and my teacher said, you know, this and this and this to me, and that's what's coming up.
Jamie Blume [00:34:19]:
That's the image that they're seeing. Well, it's not about partner, it's about going back and learning from that and rehealing those old wounds. I do use a lot of different therapeutic modalities. I'm not a therapist, but I've been trained in a lot of different modalities. So I do use some of those as well to really help heal the root. But even if you're not doing that, even if you just want to start healing those beliefs, to really tapping into what else is true. What else is true.
Sharon Collon [00:34:50]:
I love that I have to share a bit of a personal example of RSD as well. So when my husband receives a text message, I'm notoriously short with text messages and everything, and just because I'm busy doing things and I'm always onto the next thing, and he receives a text message and he'll read it with tone. So it'll be like, I'll be like, I'm going to be late, start without me. And he'll read it like, I'm going to be late, start without me. Like, with real tone. And one of the things that has been interesting for him personally is to challenge the RSD. So he will ring up and go like, hey, are you mad at me? And I'm like, no, I don't even know what just happened. Right? But because he's thought about it and he's thinking, is this RSD or is this actually a thing? And then we're able to resolve it quickly rather than letting it fester in the background of like, yes, you know.
Jamie Blume [00:35:43]:
Well, I don't know if you know the book the four agreements, I mean, yeah, the four agreements by the toltec book. Now I'm forgetting his name, but one of the agreements is don't assume anything and don't take anything personally. I think about that all the time, because if we can really separate from taking things personally, if we can really separate from always thinking the other person's trying to harm, how differently we come back to the person. And again, it doesn't have to be partner. It could be anybody. And I find this a lot in, even in business where people are taking what boss or coworker or whatever is saying is the negative as well, and they might not be able to do what you say and to come to them and say, well, did you mean this? That might not be the kind of relationship, but if they can also tap into their own self and heal from within, sometimes that can really help. Not even having to go to other.
Sharon Collon [00:36:37]:
Person love this so much. So if you had to leave our listeners with perhaps one bit of advice for our, like, say we've got a neurotypical and a neurodiverse partner, if you had it to leave one bit of advice for our neurotypical person and one bit of advice for our neurodiverse person, what would those bits of advice be?
Jamie Blume [00:36:57]:
Yeah, so I would first say to both of them, I would first say to both them, look at each other. If it's couple, if it's couple, remember why you love that person. Remember what it is about that person you love and focus on the couple. That would be first and foremost, how do you focus together on the couple? And then for the individual, I would say to the neurotypical, how do you, I would ask the question, how much are you willing to understand to help things change? How much are you willing to grow with partner to help things change and to make things better for both of you? And for the neurodiverse, I would say how can we start working on some of your belief systems for rejection sensitivity and or how can we look at some things that might have make your home environment easier for you so that you can show up maybe differently with your brain for yourself?
Sharon Collon [00:38:06]:
Love that so much. Now tell us a little bit about where we can find you.
Jamie Blume [00:38:12]:
Yeah, so I have a website alongthyrway.com. i am on social media, Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, and I also serve as the, I also teach at ADCCA AdD coach academy. I teach coaches how to coach with an ADHD lens. And I'm the chair of the education committee for Ada adults with ADHD. So I'm kind of around. So, yeah, come find me and I love to just chat with people and just answer questions and just be a resource. So if you do have any questions, if if you feel like you're struggling you don't know where to turn next please reach out.
Sharon Collon [00:38:51]:
Thank you so much for your time today Jamie. It has been such an honour to have you on here. Thank you for giving us all those wonderful tools.
Jamie Blume [00:38:59]:
Well thank you for having me Sharon. It's always great to see you.
Sharon Collon [00:39:02]:
Thank you for listening to this episode of the ADHD Families podcast. If you loved it, please share it on your socials. I want this to start a conversation about ADHD. If you want to make this mum do a little happy dance please leave a review on iTunes. If you would like to know more about what we do, check out thefunctionalfamily.com. i truly hope that you enjoyed this podcast and you use it to create a wonderful, effective, joyful life with your beautiful children.
