00;00;00;00 - 00;00;22;26
Sharon Collon
Welcome to another episode of the ADHD Families Podcast. I'm so happy that you are here. Today we're going to be talking about family meetings. Now, when someone says, Oh, you should have a family meeting, you kind of go, Oh, yeah, I know that, but it doesn't seem to happen. So I'm going to go through a few different reasons why it's important, especially when you have ADHD in the family.
00;00;23;03 - 00;00;51;00
Sharon Collon
I'm going to give you a free template so you can customize it to make an agenda that suits your family unique. Let's get to it. Hello, I'm Sharon Collin and you are listening to the ADHD Families podcast. I am a mom of three beautiful boys with ADHD. I love being a mom, but my home life was absolute chaos and the stress of daily life had a terrible effect on my health.
00;00;51;02 - 00;01;15;06
Sharon Collon
My husband had so many horror filled stories of growing up with ADHD that I decided I wanted to change the experience for my little boys. So I got to work and I systematically changed and streamlined my family's lives to suit the ADHD brain. And now that I have my family on track, I want to help yours. Do you want a life with your beautiful kids that is more functional, fun and full of joy?
00;01;15;08 - 00;01;27;05
Sharon Collon
Let's explore together the wonderful and sometimes wacky world of raising kids with ADHD.
00;01;27;07 - 00;01;53;12
Sharon Collon
So if your family is anything like mine, it is busy. We've got after school activities. We've got both parents working. We've got stuff going everywhere, lots of medical appointments. There's always things happening and I feel like, you know, there's there's usually one person in the family that carries this incredible invisible load of keeping tabs of have we got a birthday present for that birthday party?
00;01;53;15 - 00;02;20;04
Sharon Collon
What's happening? Do I need to transfer for that school note or do a bank transfer? Do I need it? There's all these invisible tasks that have to happen, even waiting on hold for an hour and a half at Centrelink like I did the other day. You know, these are the things that cause us to, you know, these life admin things, serious adulting that happens, that takes up all of our time and has this invisible load that is a lot for people to carry.
00;02;20;07 - 00;02;45;06
Sharon Collon
So I love to use the family meeting for a few reasons. One, because we know that the ADHD brain is an anxious brain. They like to know or they feel comforted by knowing what is coming up. But also I like to share the load a bit. Let's share that some of that invisible. Often we end up doing more than we should, not because the other person or the other family members aren't willing.
00;02;45;06 - 00;03;04;29
Sharon Collon
It's just because we haven't had those conversations to ask them. And we we expect that they are going to be able to read our read our minds and know to do it. But I know from working with my beautiful family that it's better to just be really clear about what expectations are and to ask for help when we need it.
00;03;05;01 - 00;03;27;21
Sharon Collon
So our family meetings are time, a time for us to come together to talk about something positive, to address predictable problems. And we're going to go into this in a minute, but also to share some of those logistic loads or that invisible load that often we carry as parents. And often that's things that we could delegate. So let's have a look at why it's important.
00;03;27;21 - 00;03;47;24
Sharon Collon
And we've talked about that invisible load component, but also let's have a look at why it's important when you have ADHD in the family. Now we know the ADHD brain is an anxious brain, just like I mentioned, we know it's often comforted by routine and consistency. There's often a little bit of trouble in maintaining that routine and consistency.
00;03;47;26 - 00;04;12;04
Sharon Collon
But they actually like the idea of a family meeting or that idea of coming together as a family. And often when I don't remember it, my kids actually asked for the family meeting. And I also use it as a little bit of a, you know, a time to raise issues and concerns. Like I say, when there's an issue of concern throughout the week and say, can you bring that up in the family meeting?
00;04;12;04 - 00;04;32;10
Sharon Collon
And it stops us having to address every problem that's not urgent at the time. So sometimes things can be a little bit delayed and we can talk about them in the family meeting. So I'm going to share with you how I used the family meeting in our family and the agenda that we loosely use. But I don't want you to think that you guys have to do the same.
00;04;32;10 - 00;04;48;25
Sharon Collon
And that's why I've included in the template that's a free downloadable today. Our template and also a blank one, because I really want this this to be your own. I want you to make it your own. What's going to work for your family. And it really depends on the ages of your children and how long they can sit still for.
00;04;48;28 - 00;05;10;05
Sharon Collon
So first of all, we do ours on a Sunday evening. We do it over dinner and I usually make the dinner something that everyone really likes. So something like tacos where everyone's having we put everything in the middle and everyone's using the hands and kind of using tongs to make their own, like build their own tacos. I find that that's quite interactive and it keeps our kids at the table for longer.
00;05;10;07 - 00;05;26;03
Sharon Collon
I don't sweat it if they need to get up and move around as long as they're in the area and they can hear what is happening. If you've got little kids, it's not really realistic for them to be sitting. And I try and keep our meeting short. I don't go into like anything over 20 minutes. I feel like it's too long for my family.
00;05;26;03 - 00;05;46;06
Sharon Collon
Not completely optional as to what you think is going to work for your family, but it's worthwhile just having a little bit of think of that. So don't make a big long agenda if your family can't sit still for that long. But we find that food definitely prolongs that process if it's something that they're really interested in. So we have it regularly on a Sunday night.
00;05;46;09 - 00;06;01;19
Sharon Collon
If it doesn't happen on a Sunday, we don't sweat it. We just do it on the Monday. But I like it on Sunday because I like to be preparing and using that forward planning skill. I'm trying to teach my kids about forward planning, which is quite tricky when you have ADHD to think about what's coming up for the week.
00;06;01;26 - 00;06;26;15
Sharon Collon
Getting them to picture what that week is going to be like. So we first of all, we have it quite formal. We call that the family meeting is in session and everyone goes around talking about everyone has a turn talking about the best part of the week. Now, I often ask my kids every day when I see them after school what their sweet and sour was, their sweet being a positive for the day and their sour being something that they didn't really like.
00;06;26;15 - 00;06;44;11
Sharon Collon
And I find that that's better after they've had something to eat afternoon tea than asking, you know, like, what did you do today? Because the answer is always like nothing. So or I don't know. So I find it better to ask about that sweet and sour. They quite enjoy playing that game. So this is like a version of that, except for we're talking about the positive here.
00;06;44;11 - 00;07;04;23
Sharon Collon
So the best part of the week. So each person goes around and says the highlight of the week and what we're doing there is we're opening the ADHD brain by bringing attention to the positive. You guys have heard me talk about the ADHD negativity bias before. So what we're doing is by opening it, by bringing attention to the positive things at the wake and getting them to think about the positive.
00;07;04;26 - 00;07;27;20
Sharon Collon
And I'm trying to get them to think about it throughout the week as well. So when you look for negative, you'll find it. When you look for four positives, you find it. So I'm trying to get them to mark those positive occasions and having that that little bit of celebration about the positive as well. So we usually address one predictable problem at the family meeting and this agenda item number three.
00;07;27;23 - 00;07;48;12
Sharon Collon
So a predictable problem is something that keeps happening, say like I don't know, which is a really neutral one here, not replacing the toilet roll, but a problem like the for the toilet paper or something like that. So what we do is we present a predictable problem and we get everyone to have a bit of input as to how we can solve that problem for our family.
00;07;48;15 - 00;08;06;14
Sharon Collon
And it's the the solving the problem is not the important part here. What we're doing is we are giving our family an opportunity to collaborate with each other so everyone feels heard and we're teaching our cute kids the skills of problem solving. We want them to think, okay, what can we do about this? And everyone has a voice.
00;08;06;14 - 00;08;30;26
Sharon Collon
And I love the solutions that my kids come up with because people with ADHD are usually amazed at problem solving and so encouraging them to work collaboratively with with us or as a whole family has a real benefit. So it's about giving our kids that skill and encouraging them to slow down and just think about it and have and collaborate together as a family to solve that problem.
00;08;30;28 - 00;08;46;09
Sharon Collon
And so we usually we used to go around and everyone would bring a problem, but I found that that was too long. So we just do one predictable problem a week and we can we have a little list, a running tally. And so the next week, if someone else spots something, we usually just bring up that list and everyone has a term.
00;08;46;09 - 00;09;04;27
Sharon Collon
We go round in, we rotate in terms of family order. So I might bring a predictable problem this week and then Xavier might the next week. So we go round to everyone has a little turn and we all have an opportunity to help them solve a problem that they might be experiencing or a problem as a family we might be experiencing.
00;09;05;00 - 00;09;24;11
Sharon Collon
So we are teaching problem solving here and that is the most important part of agenda item number three. And we also want to make sure that we round that out with telling our kids that they are able to talk to us about anything that is worrying them. Even outside this meeting, we really want to reinforce that, especially as they're coming up to teenage years.
00;09;24;11 - 00;09;48;23
Sharon Collon
We want our kids to talk to us. Everything is figure out a shut down child that doesn't want to talk to their parents is the most concerning. So we want to make sure that we have that connection and we are approachable. So I always thought around that like that, that if they haven't have other problems that they want to discuss, that they can talk to us at any time and that we are here for them and everything is speaker out of number four is gratitude.
00;09;48;23 - 00;10;15;18
Sharon Collon
And this is about helping my little boys who have a lot of sibling fights and sibling rivalry, look for the good in each other. So each person goes around the table and quickly says thank you to every family member for something that they did during the week. So it might be you bought my it might be something as simple as you bought my school bag in for me.
00;10;15;21 - 00;10;34;27
Sharon Collon
And I just want to say thank you for you that or I saw that you helped me when I needed help with my homework. And I just want to say thank you for that. And the idea is we're just getting the the the child and the each family member to look for those positives, a look for moments to be grateful for because you will find it.
00;10;35;00 - 00;10;56;06
Sharon Collon
And if you know that you have to do this every week, they start looking for it and setting and keeping an eye out for those moments. To be grateful for that they can say thank you to their siblings. And I like that. I like the idea because they certainly give each other a lot of grief. And so it's a change in mindset and it makes every family member feel valued as well.
00;10;56;08 - 00;11;16;26
Sharon Collon
And then I often open the floor to just discuss really quickly the meal plan. Now, those of you who have a bit of trouble with meal planning know that I'm doing a meal planning workshop coming up, meal planning each day to help save you time, money and effort when it comes to meal planning. So I know this is something that keeps coming up in my coaching clients as well.
00;11;16;26 - 00;11;34;03
Sharon Collon
It's something that drains a lot of energy and it really doesn't have to. So keep your, you know, keep on the mailing list for that information as well. So we just go through it quickly what the meal plan is. We usually have a wild card day, so if there's something that people want to suggest for that wild card day, they usually bring it there.
00;11;34;06 - 00;11;52;02
Sharon Collon
But more and more it's just about comforting. This is what's happening and we might move the days around a little bit. You know, if Tuesday is a busy day, we're not going to get back from sport early. Will make that the slow cooker day or something like that. We just, you know, just really quickly go over it. We take suggestions for the shopping list.
00;11;52;02 - 00;12;10;02
Sharon Collon
So any requests are submitted to the shopping list. So my son might say, Hey, I really liked those chips that we had. Can we get some more of those? And it's up to the parents to approve or deny that request. They've come up with some pretty interesting things over the years, but it's just that time that they can they can ask for things.
00;12;10;02 - 00;12;27;15
Sharon Collon
And I'll add it to that shopping list straight into the Woolworths app and then we discuss the week ahead. Now, this is the most important part. We have our week written up on a whiteboard. I have that already ready going into the meeting so they don't have to sit there while I'm writing it up and we just go through it.
00;12;27;15 - 00;12;43;13
Sharon Collon
So this is your opportunity to say, you know, what is happening to you on these days. You've got soccer training on Wednesday, you've got soccer training on Thursday, who's going to pick you up? So this is, you know, me and Anthony going, I can't do it on this day. I've got a meeting. You know, what can you do?
00;12;43;16 - 00;12;59;24
Sharon Collon
We need to call in support. Do we need to call in a babysitter? Can we ask one of the grandparents to help us with this? This day's looking really busy for me. You know, What can we do to make this easier for ourselves? Maybe this is the slow cooker day, You know, like trying to look through. Maybe we need to cancel this appointment.
00;12;59;24 - 00;13;17;16
Sharon Collon
We're too busy to try and triage our week and share the load. We're also asking for here any school nights, reminding our kids, Do you have some school nights in your bag? Do you have any invitations that you need to let us know about so we can add it to the diary for the future? We can action them now.
00;13;17;19 - 00;13;37;27
Sharon Collon
It's a lovely time and really I am focused on this time in sharing that invisible load. We need a present for the weekend. Who can do that? Do any Does anyone have any suggestions about that? Can we buy it online and making it just for future and future proof proofing in the way I'm trying to make it easier for future?
00;13;37;27 - 00;13;57;01
Sharon Collon
Sharon That's what I'm doing in step seven and then in step nine we say, Is it anything else anyone wants to say? Make sure you let them know that they can talk to you after the meeting as well. And then number ten, which includes the meeting. Now, the whole process takes us about 20 minutes over dinner. We don't go to too long or too in-depth.
00;13;57;01 - 00;14;27;12
Sharon Collon
We keep keep it fun and light because we want this to be a time for connection and a time for really, you know, it's a time for our family to come together and look at the week as a whole. What can we do? What can we make? How can we make this easier for ourselves? So in the on my website, the functional family dot com and on the blog you're going to see and I'll share it on my socials as well there it's called Let's call a Family Meeting.
00;14;27;12 - 00;14;52;11
Sharon Collon
I've got that there for you. I'm also going to put it in the show notes of this episode. You can download a free family meeting template that's got all my little agenda items there and also a blank one for you to create your own. I really want you to give this a try. Give it a try, Put it in the diary for it for a day of the week that you know, you guys are all home and see how your kids respond to it, see how your partner responds to it.
00;14;52;11 - 00;15;15;10
Sharon Collon
If you have a partner, see if it brings it makes the week a little bit easier. And what we're doing is we're encouraging that bird's eye view of the week. Let's see what we can triage, let's see what we can make this easier. And we're comforting the ADHD brain because they know what is coming up they like. They'd love to know that they have that security of what's coming up that week and we can help coach our kids through that.
00;15;15;10 - 00;15;33;27
Sharon Collon
A little bit. And also a little side note, we can help them look for the good in their siblings and, you know, help draw attention to some of those positive things throughout the week. So I really hope that is helpful. I want you guys to give this a go, pop it in your diary, use it and let me know.
00;15;33;29 - 00;16;01;02
Sharon Collon
As Sharon at the Funny functional family dot com how it goes for you. I hope you have a great week. Thank you for listening to this episode of the ADHD Families podcast. If you loved it, please share it on your socials. I want this to start a conversation about ADHD. If you want to make this mum do a little happy dance, please leave a review on iTunes.
00;16;01;05 - 00;16;22;09
Sharon Collon
If you would like to know more about what we do, check out the functional family dot com. I truly hope that you enjoyed this podcast and you use it to create a wonderful, effective, joyful life with your beautiful children.
