What to do when your partner has ADHD...

I have stalled and procrastinated writing this blog because, well it is personal and it is a bit hard to talk about.

But I always want to be real with you guys.  So here goes!

I have been married to my husband for nearly 13 years.  It is a rollercoaster.  You see he is the most severely ADHD person I have ever met (and I have met a lot!).  He is a person of extremes.  He is also incredibly amazing.  I find him harder to handle than my ADHD children, mainly because I can't parent him (nor do I want to).  He has to be my partner.  

So I have put together a little bit of a list of what to do when your partner has ADHD.

 1. Keep laughing  

As long as you can make each other laugh you can survive most things.  Sure some of the stuff your ADHD partner might do will drive you crazy, but there is often a funny side.  Once when I had just had a baby, I asked my husband to serve out dinner. He put the pot straight on our white stone benchtop and burnt two big circles.  He knew this was bad.  He decided to really commit to the damage and got out the permanent marker and made them into funny faces before he showed me....ahhhh you have to laugh right?

Seriously though we giggle a lot.  Letting go enough to enjoy the rollercoaster is what will save you.

2. Embrace silliness

The energy and sense of play that my husband brings to our family is important.  I have a tendency to be much more serious.  I am about getting stuff done.  That is all well and good, but kids need play to learn.  He brings a sense of fun to our parenting and the boys adore him.

3. Get your space

We both need space.  Space to be individuals, space to think, space to do what we want to do.  We are both big personalities.  We need to have time to pursue what we want to do.  Whenever he is angry man, he goes dirt bike riding or works on his car for a while and he always comes back more civilised.  Recognising that you both need time apart to have a healthy relationship is key.

4. Seperate yourself from their reactions

My husband doesn't react the way I want him to.  His first reactions are often unpredictable.  Example, well you could call him to say you crashed the car?...  no biggy, no reaction.  However, he cant find the kitchen sponge.... full scale tantrum.  I learnt early on to seperate myself from his first reaction, don't take them personally, his behaviour is not mine.  He often just needs a little more time to process things. We must let the brain toggle.

5. Focus on the good stuff

ADHD can be tough right, but it can also be a superpower.  My husband is a force to be reckoned with when he decide he wants to do something.  

6. Learn about love languages

So my husband isn't all touchy feely, or great at expressing his emotions.  But I know he loves me.  I know he loves the boys more than life itself. He doesn't show it in the traditional way.  He shows it by working hard, by making sure our family has everything we need, by trying.

7.  Model the correct behaviour

When I was changing our family to make it more functional and developing the Calming the Chaos systems, I used to try and talk to my husband about everything.  I am pretty sure he absorbed none of it.  I realised that he is not going to learn that way.  He isn't going to read any self help book or treat his ADHD in a traditional sense.  I just started DOING instead of talking about what we both should do.  I just started changing things and modelling the correct behaviour with the children.  I didn't force any particular method onto him or make any formal announcements.  Overtime, he just began copying my behaviours.  He learnt through seeing what I do.

8. Family meetings

Each week we have a family meeting.  It is incredibly important.  We go through what is happening that week, each person has to thank each family member for something they did during the week.  If you look for gratitude, you will find something to be grateful for.  We discuss any problems that come up as a family.  We problem solve together.  Having these meetings has made us all feel like more of a team.

9. Be patient

You are in a relationship with someone who has a different brain.  It doesn't work the same as yours.  The more you learn about ADHD the more you will understand.  The more understanding you have, the more patience you will have.

10. Celebrate the good stuff

Comparison is the thief of joy.  So don't compare your relationship to anyone else's highlight real on social media.  Focus on the things you guys do well as a couple, things you do well as a family.  The endless pursuit of trying to 'fix' your partner or change them into who you want them to be will only make you exhausted.  They are unique, they are special and they are a person with feelings and fears and worries just like you.  These emotions and feelings may come out in behaviour rather than words.  If you focus on the good stuff and celebrate your successes you will have a much happier life together.

11. Stop describing ADHD negatively

It is not all bad.  We have to be careful about our language.  There is things that make ADHD great too. People who have ADHD are in the firing line for depression and serious self esteem issues.  They are not broken.  They are different.  They are amazing.

12. Create an organisation buffer

The ADHD brain loves routine and visual cues.  Set your whole family up for success by getting your home life sorted.  Check out our online course Calming the Chaos that steps you through this whole process.

13. Be clear about what you want

Your partner is not a mind reader.  If you want them to do something give clear one step specific instructions. Writing it down or drawing it up can be good for visual learners.  

14.  Look after yourself first

To have the strength to withstand the storm you need to look after yourself first.  If you have something left in your tank you will have more energy and resilience with your relationship.

It is not all roses, right?  I get you.  Sometimes my husband annoys the absolute crap out of me.  But marriage is falling in love over and over again, just always with the same person.  So smile through those highs and hang on through those lows.  But if at the end of a crazy day we can sit back and giggle at the ridiculous things that our children do - then we will be ok.  We always comeback together with laughter.

You've got this.

Sharon