To the mum who lost her sh*t today...

We have all done it.  Our kids slowly wear us down. Our tolerance level gets exceeded and we lose it. We say things we don't mean.  We spew venom out of our mouths.  You may even hate your child in this moment.  You may resent them.  You may want to walk out the door and never come back.

I get you.  I have been there.  Raising kids that have behavioural challenges is hard work. I have freakin lost it.  Out of sheer frustration I have thrown things.  I have said really mean things.  I have googled boarding schools.  I have wanted to drive to a police station and drop my children off and speed away. 

Did any of these things make me feel any better? No, not really. Did I often feel worse?  Yep.

So to the mum who lost her sh*t today.  I want to say, I see you.  I get you.  I am a mum in the trenches next to you, dealing with these issues everyday.

Here are the things I have learnt about this over time... to try and help.

It is never just one thing that tips us over the edge. A certain incident might push you over, but in truth, if you think about it, you have been edging towards that edge for a while. It is so layered that often we don't even see the cliff coming.  

That is why, my wonderful friend, your self care game needs to be on point.  Because with each outrageous thing your child does, you move a little bit closer to that metaphorical cliff.  So I am here to tell you that if you want to be a mum who doesn't lose her sh*t you have to up your self care practices.  You have to have time for you. 

Look after yourself first

At this point, I know your eyes are glazing over and you are like "yep, self care, yep, been told that before.  But I don't have time for that".  But you do.  If you can't find one hour, out of 24 hours, you are doing something seriously wrong.  It is about managing your time effectively so that you have time for this.  One of the things that I always say to myself is, when we work, we work and when we rest, we rest.  My aim is to get the 'work' tasks done as quickly and efficiently as possible so I have the time for the good stuff.

Here is where I find my hour.

My miracle mornings

I get up before my kids.  How in the hell do you think I get time to write a blog?....  My kids usually wake up between 5.30-6am.  But they have a little 'hatching time' where they watch TV while the sun starts to come up.

I get up before them.  I am up at 5am, sometimes before.  I tip toe out to the kitchen and make myself a cup of tea.  While the kettle is boiling, I drink a really big glass of water, then I sit and watch that sun peaking its beautiful head over the valley.  It is such a wonderful time of day.  I then do a quick 5 minute morning meditation, have a shower and use any extra time to work on something that I want to do.  Somedays I might, work on a project that I am keen on, I might go for a walk (if my husband is still home), stretch, clear my emails, or read a book.  Whatever I want to do.  That time is mine.  Then when it is time to switch into heaving duty mumming, I have a full cup and can take whatever intensity they throw at me.

You see, if you wake up and start the day to your kids fighting, you are starting the day on the defensive.  It is very hard to get ahead of the day from that point.  If you start the day before your kids, you are starting the day on the offensive and you have a head start on the day.  It makes you feel calmer, more in control and you are less likely to lose your sh*t.

If for some reason, mornings don't work for you (shift work, newborn baby etc) you need to carve out this time at a time that does work for you.

One deep breath

My son does some absolutely unacceptable stuff.  There are plenty of opportunities for me to lose it on a daily basis.  I have made a habit of taking one big deep breath before I respond.  I just pause, take one big inhale, one big exhale, before I respond to the behaviour.  That breath, slows me down long enough for me to consider what I am about to say.  Often my first response is reactive and is not what's best, so having that breath allows me to adjust to the correct course of action. It has stopped so much yuk!  But it is a habit and it needs to be practiced daily.  Remember your words have power. What you say to others and more importantly what you say to yourself has power.  So stop and take a breath before you respond.

Nights

Mornings are an intense time.  There is time pressures and it is often where meltdowns occur.  So get your stuff together the night before, spend 10 mins packing the lunches, filling drink bottles, checking the calendar, packing school bags, what do you need for tomorrow?  Lay out your own clothes. Get it ready.  What you do the night before counts. It streamlines the morning and makes it run smoothly.  So if your child has a meltdown you have the time to handle it.

Red flag

So you lost it today? Don't beat yourself up about it! Adding shame to the stuff you have to deal with on a daily basis isn't really going to help you - instead see it as a little red flag. Check in.  Do I need to up my self care game?  Am I tired - should I be going to bed earlier? Is it time to see a counsellor? What can I do to stop this next time?

We are dealing with kids with special needs.  It is a tough gig sometimes.  You can't always change their behaviour, but you can change how you react to it.

You can treat yourself with grace.  Would you ever tolerate someone treating your kids how you treat yourself?  Probably not. So be nice to yourself.

Don't sweat it

I don't get so worked up anymore.  I am doing the absolute best I can. Can we stop being so hard on ourselves and instead focus on the good work we ARE doing.  Just look at your child for a moment.  Look at the wonder of them!  They are amazing.  Yes they may be hard to handle, they may have challenges... but look at them, they are freakin amazing, look at their eyelashes, their fingers, their smile, you made that!  We can't promise our little people that we will be perfect, but we can promise that we will continue to try our best and that we will be there for them when they fall down. 

A single day or even a handful of days where you aren't mum of the year won't make or break your kids.  

In these moments, you are teaching them that you can come back from this.  That just like you, they can have a bad moment too and then they can recover from it, because tomorrow is a new day.