How to plan a party for a special needs kid (when you are worried that no one will show up)
Aug 13, 2019
So often I see posts on facebook from parents in distress because no one showed up to their child's party. You can only imagine the heartbreak that they feel in this moment and the distress that they would feel for their child.
For the child, who may already struggle socially this can be a terrible self esteem blow and it breaks my heart.
My ADHD husband's memories of primary school is never being invited to any parties because he was considered too 'wild' or 'out of control'. He has carried that his whole life.
Depending on how your child goes socially, you may have the same fear about hosting a party.
Just a few months ago, we sent a birthday present to a little boy with ADHD, who we didn't know, but his mum had reached out saying no one came to his party and he was incredibly sad. My son wanted to cheer him up.
I wondered how it gets to this point? How do you end up having no one show up to the party?
I don't want this to happen again. Not to a single child. Not ever.
In another life I was an events coordinator, so this is right up my alley! So here are my hot tips for how to plan a party for a child with special needs (or any child - because this can happen to anyone). The biggest tip that I can give you is, it matters what you do before the party. Good planning will ensure good results.
Get to know some parents
Parents are way more likely to send their child to someone's party if they know the other child's parents. I am a big advocate of getting involved in the school especially if you have a child which special needs. You don't need to run the P&C or anything but you should be up there. If possible go into the school for pick up and drop off, say hello to everyone with a welcoming smile, put the phone away and start up a chat with parents who may be in your child's class. Be social.
There are so many benefits of being active in the school community. It helps you align friendships if you have a child with social issues.
Does your child's year have a facebook page? It is a great way to connect with other parents. If not, consider creating one.
Plan the party three months in advance
Send out a save the date three month out. Either on facebook or hand out little cards. People are busy these days. Calendars fill up quickly so get your date in their calendar.
Consider venue
I like to have parties at home, because I like to invite the whole class and sometimes the whole year. I hate to think of a child not getting invited and feeling left out. Also it is a numbers game, the more you invite the more chance you will have of having guests at the party. Also remember you need a wet weather plan.
The party venue needs to have secure boundaries - you will have your hands full and you don't need kids wandering off. Consider the sensory aspect, some of the party venues are so intense, flashing lights, loud noises - will this be ok? Is there room to run? You put a whole bunch of kids in the room and they are going to have to get energy out. Don't plan anything that is sitting for long periods or stationery unless you are confident that all the kids are at an age that they can handle that.
Ask for help
Secure a few relatives or other parents to assist on the day with managing kids, keeping everyone safe and helping pass out food. You can't do it all on your own and you need to ensure everyone's safety. If your child is prone to aggression, have someone on watch. This means someone who watches them diligently from a distance who can read their frustration cues and can intervene before it escalates by distracting them with 'special birthday tasks'.
Send the invite
Include:
Invitee name
What you are celebrating
Date/time (include finish time - 2 hours is usually a great amount of time - you don't want kids getting tired and cranky at your event)
Address of the venue
Are siblings welcome (this can make it a lot easier for parents to attend).
Wet weather plan - how you advise them if this needs to be actioned
Ask for any special dietary requirements, if a child is anaphylactic to peanuts you want to know about that.
This is a bit personal, but I also don't ever ask kids to dress up to a certain theme. Sometimes sensory kids hate this and it can add extra pressure to parents as they try to get this organised.
Put on the invite an RSVP email and phone number and a date that you need RSVPs by (preferably 2 weeks before).
Write on the invite whether you would like the parents to stay or if they are welcome to drop their child off and leave them in your care (this usually depends on the age of the children. I say, parents usually stay if it is year 1 or lower - but this can depend on how many children you are inviting and what you are comfortable with).
Consider food options
Parties are about fun and treats. But check what you will be serving to ensure it is not going to trigger your child, depending on your child's sensitivities. Believe me, I have seen a perfectly normal group of kids turn to a group of wild animals from red food colouring alone.
Remember to cater for any dietary requirements from the RSVPs.
Provide a little something for the parents. If your child is at an age group where the parents stay, please provide something for the parents to eat and drink. A simple sandwich platter and a relative assigned to asking the parents if they would like a tea, coffee or a glass of bubbles is a great welcome.
Plan party games/activities
Plan one or two party games max. But have free play activities too, there are so many suggestions on the internet to suit your chosen theme. But keep it simple, with simple instructions.
Collecting RSVPs
Now this one is important, on your RSVP date (two weeks prior), if you haven't heard from anyone, chase people for RSVPs.
If the on the week before, you haven't got multiple yes RSVPs. You have options:
a) You can decide to cancel the party and go on a super fun adventure day together as a family (eg. a theme park, go cart racing, gold class movies etc). Be careful not to say things like 'no one is coming' in front of your child. Instead you could say that you 'got tickets for WaterWorld that day - so we thought it would be amazing to do that instead'. You child might still be disappointed about the party but the fun day would soften the blow.
b) You can put the party out on facebook on your local pages or to a local group like this one, Kids Party Rescue (they are popping up everywhere) where other special needs kids, who may not get invited to many parties, can come to the party.
c) Ring around neighbours, family and friends to see if they can come along to bulk out the party.
But for goodness sake, do not prepare for the party and let your child stand there waiting for everyone to show up, if you are not sure whether a single person is going to show up.
Draw it up
Once you have confirmed guests, go through different party scenarios with your child. Get them to practice saying 'Thank you for coming'. Draw up how the party will go for them (ie. Guest will arrive at 2pm, we will play laser tag at 2.30pm, we will cut the cake at 3.30pm, people will go home at 4pm, you can open presents when everyone goes home - let them know what is happening).
Parties can be such a wonderful experience for kids and I hope that these tips ensure that your child enjoys their one too.
Sharon
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Sharon is an ADHD Coach who is specifically trained to work with families and individuals with ADHD. She is passionate about anything that makes life easier with ADHD. Find out how she can help you and/or your family.